EXTRACT FROM THE LOG OF HIGH PRIESTESS LORD HOGFISH:
The Invisible Acolytes are fairly useless, it would seem. They can only tell
us very general things about the religion of IT and most of the history remains
lost to us. Luckily, there are many remnants of the Itonian civilisation here
in Itonia and if studied carefully, the history could probably be rediscovered.
Examination of the Ancient Holy Sacred Mulch Pile Consisting Almost Entirely
Of Parsnip Stalks and Chicken Beaks revealed the existence of many Itonian holidays.
I bet if we look a bit harder we might find a horse in there too.
A year later, High Priestess Lord Hogfish began a pilgramage back to the Holy
Land in order to fetch some scriptures after The Almighty Squash appeared to
her in a dream. This involved a perilous journey over mountains, through tunnels
and sometimes through large worm things.
BRIEF SUMMARY OF MY PERILOUS JOURNEY TO THE HOLY LAND by Lord Hogfish
I had just begun my journey when the day suddenly became night and the ground
suddenly became really squelchy. At first I thought I'd wandered into some sort
of tunnel without noticing, but then a thousand orang-utans suddenly appeared
in front of me and all became clear - I was in the belly of a wyrm (not the
dragon sort, just the large worm sort that can't spell properly). The orang-utans
were very pretty, some blue, some green and some red and they were hard at work
planting small indoor plants in the small intestine. I decided to help them
out a bit, not having a clue as to how I'd get out, and soon enough I noticed
that I was turning into an orang-utan myself (one with brilliant orange fur).
Not really wanting to be an orang-utan very much, I grabbed a trowel and cut
my way out of the wyrm (it wasn't hurt, it was pretty happy actually because
it forced it to grow another head) and continued my way towards Itonia. I had
to climb a tall, steep, purple and blue mountain, which I later found out was
a volcano holding its breath. On the other side of the mountain was a vast desert
which took me a pretty long time to cross but I'm not sure exactly how long
because I was distracted by a sparkly thingy on wheels that kept flying by and
singing a lot. At last I had almost reached Itonia and indeed I could see the
Reincarnation Shed in the distance. But lo! (oh woe!) Upon almost reaching the
shed I was confronted by an evil lawn watering device who called himself "Luke
Skywalker". The demonic sprinkler threatened to take my life, so I made a dash
for the Reincarnation Shed where I was promptly reincarnated as a happy soap
dispenser. The soap dispensed was enough to thwart the evil plans of the Luke
Skywalker Sprinkler and, after reincarnating back to my former self (this took
a few tries), I was able to continue on to the Temple of IT and fetch the scriptures.
END OF STORY.
Once Lord Hogfish arrived, she was met by The Almighty Squash and Lady Kestrel,
who had taken a bus. The two High Priestesses were given the Ancient Holy Sacred
Scrolls of the Almighty Death-Defying Classical Religion of IT (printed on stylish
blue paper) which they accidentally lost on their way back home, much to their
embarassment. There were two scrolls on which were written twenty holy commandments
on each scroll. Luckily, the High Priestesses read the scrolls and so were able
to remember a few of the commandments, some of which did not seem to make sense
anymore.
What
is IT?
Apart from being one of the worst
statements of blasphemy any Itonian can ever say, the above question is a good
one. IT is the deity worshipped by the Itonians ("It" coming from
IT and "onian" just because it sounds good). IT is neither male nor
female. IT is known as the god of weirdness. All Itonians are a bit mad or at
least a little eccentric.
IT is immortal, omnipotent, invincible,
invulnerable, wise and a little bit indecisive. That is why IT employs two High
Priestesses to serve and advise IT. The High Priestesses are the communicative
link between IT and the Itonians. Sometimes IT tends to mumble a little so the
High Priestesses generally take silence as agreement.
WHAT?
WHAT is the enemy of IT and to
say WHAT's name was once considered blasphemy. However, after much confused
arguing between the High Priestesses, it was decided that WHAT's name was too
useful a word, so it became allowable to utter the evil one's name, as long
as there is no evil intent.
ITONIAN
CULTURE
Itonians have a pretty relaxed
culture, about the only real law is to respect those that outrank you (apparently
it's a little too much to ask them to obey their higher ranks as some Itonians
want to quit if this is enforced). The Religion of IT is not necessarily matriarchal,
although the majority of Itonians are female. This works in a circle because
not many males are happy to enter into a predominantly female society, especially
when all of the females are really really weird.
RANKS
AND POSITIONS
The highest rank is the rank of
High Priestess. Only two people can fill this rank at a time. The present High
Priestesses began this ancient religion when they discovered the Ancient Holy
Sacred Scrolls. Only the High Priestesses have the power to assign ranks to
Itonians and to initiate new members.
The second highest rank is that of Sage.
A Sage shares an affinity with a particular vegetable and much of the
Sages' time is spent studying the vegetable, growing the vegetable, eating the
vegetable, making weird sculptures out of the vegetable, talking to the vegetable
and dressing up to look like the vegetable. Being second to the High Priestesses,
Sages are expected to do a lot of work for the religion and are demoted if they
don't co-operate.
The lowest rank is the rank of
Monkey ("Monk" from the ancient holy rank and "ey" just
because it made the rank sound really funny). Itonians are only demoted to the
rank of Monkey if they have done something really bad (like annoy a High Priestess
too much).
An Itonian who has just been initiated
into the religion is assigned the rank of Initiate (online initiation is a little
more complicated).
Special Positions are given to
Itonians who volunteer to do a particular task. The Scribe's duty is to do whatever
Scribes usually do. The Prophetic Psychopath's, or Oracle's, duty is prophesise
upcoming events through visions given to them by IT. The Town Idiot's duty is
to be an idiot. Occasional idiotic duties may be assigned on a whim by the High
Priestesses.
There used to be Honorary positions but not any more. You're either
in or you're out.
QUESTS
If an Itonian wishes to be promoted,
they are allowed to request a quest from one of the High Priestesses, which
the High Priestess my grant if she can think of one. Sometimes, a High Priestess
may offer a quest to any Itonian, usually an important duty to be carried out.
If more than one Itonian wishes to receive the quest, the High Priestess will
grant it to the lowest rank or if the Itonians are the same rank, to the one
who first requested the quest. A time limit will be placed upon that Itonian
and if the quest is not completed within the time limit, the quest will be granted
to another Itonian. If the quest is successfully completed, the Itonian who
completed it will be promoted to the rank directly above them.
BLASPHEMY
Anything unpleasant said about IT or the High Priestesses
is considered blasphemy (see WHAT? above).
Being a part of another religion is not considered blasphemy, in fact many members
of the Religion of IT belong to other religions and do not consider themselves
to be blaspheming in either religion (as the Religion of IT is not generally
taken very seriously and is not meant to be).
SAGEDOMS
Sagedoms are areas controlled by Sages or High Priestesses. All
Itonians belong to a Sagedom. There are currently four Sagedoms:
Sage of the Potato Sploosh's Sagedom: The Americas and Africa
Sage of the Onion Talricos's Sagedom: Asia and about 20 square feet in Rockhampton
High Priestess Kestrel the Mighty's Sagedom: Australia (NSW, ACT, SA, Victoria,
Tasmania) and Europe
High Priestess Lord Hogfish's Sagedom: Australia (QLD, NT, WA) and anywhere
else.
Please note that these Itonians only have influence over Itonians within these
countries, so if you invade Antarctica you are not "invading Lord Hogfish's
country".
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