Rest in peace, Michael Jackson. I’ve always been a fan, but I’m not going to write a big lengthy piece about his greatness, plenty of others have done that in the last 24 hours already. I’m actually writing to let you all know that today I found something GREAT.

Michael Jackson’s “You Rock My World” video is one of my all-time favourite videos. I love the song, but I also think it’s one of the most hilarious videos I’ve ever seen. Michael Jackson and Chris Tucker go to a bar, see a pretty woman who’s “dangerous” for some reason, Michael tries to hit on her through a series of ass-slaps and crotch-grabs (his own crotch, thankfully), then at some point he just start smashing up the place for no good reason and sets it on fire. This impresses the girl so much that she pashes him and jumps in Chris Tucker’s car.

Imagine my JOY when I discovered that there is a full-length short film version of this video!

Finally, all the burning questions would be explained - why did Michael start smashing up the place? Why is the girl dangerous? Why did the bar have to be burned to the ground in order to pick up the girl?

Okay, none of these questions get answered, which makes it all the more hilarious. But it raise even more questions, involving Marlon Brando, and introduces a whole lot of “Bad” references (see what I did there? :P) to Michael’s previous hits, like “Maybe we should just Beat It!”, “Is that all you got? You ain’t nothin’! You ain’t NOTHIN’!”

Keep an eye out for the worst fight scene you will ever see in a music video. A badass asks if MJ wants to “play”, and MJ magically summons henchmen from the sky. Everyone’s watching to see what Michael’s “got”, and it turns out what he has is a series of synchronised dance moves with his henchmen. I guess this isn’t what the badass meant, because he’s not impressed, so Michael starts throwing furniture around.

Then, in an amazing display of villainous fighting skill, some thug spins around with a flickknife that *hasn’t been flicked yet*, stops it in mid-swing about half a metre away from Jackson, then flicks the knife out rather threateningly, just leaving it hanging there for a while. I guess he was hoping Michael would dance forward a bit and stab himself with it - a cunning plan. However, MJ flips the guy over and steps over him, then starts the synchronised dancing again, which I guess would freak anyone out. At some point he gets a punch in, this knocks over a lamp with sets the place ablaze. Then MJ starts squealing for Chris and….then it gets really weird.

The big boss comes downstairs, and a shot of some bodybuilder in a fire is displayed on screen, and MJ says “I know who you are…” He does? What the hell?

Anyway, this video is not exactly from Michael Jackson’s heyday, as you can probably tell from his lack of skin pigment, so if this video has made you think less of the guy, may heaven rest his weary bones, then I suggest you take a look back at some of his previous work and remind yourself (or discover) why he was and always will be a legend of our time.

“Billie Jean” - Probably his best song ever and historic for many reasons.

“Smooth Criminal” - Very weird music video. No idea what the hell he’s meant to be doing but he looks like he’s on a mission. More terrible dance-fighting, but some fantastic dancing. There was a great modern cover by Alient Ant farm quite a few years back, which had a bit of good parody of various Michael Jackson things in the music video.

“Thriller” - I was at a club last night and this came on, and NOBODY knew how to do the dance. And here I was hoping for a scene like this.

“Bad” - full version. The full version is a bit weird, but worth seeing if you want to understand some of the jokes in Weird Al Yankovic’s hilarious parody.

“Beat It” - Also parodied by Weird Al Yankovic.

I’d also just like to say that I heart YouTube so much. It was so much harder to collect and share all these videos 8 years ago.

My husband will be both surprised and pleased to see me writing that title. But the reason for it, is that I found this truly misleading list on the internet, and I’d just like to set the facts straight.

“Why Cats Are Better Than Men” - See, already this list is stereotyping women who own cats as man-haters. I hate it already.

It takes little time to train a cat, but it takes a lifetime to train a man.
Little time to train a cat?? Have you TRIED training a cat? My cat April still shits on the floor when she’s pissed at us, drinks from the toilet, and will sneak onto the bench to steal food. I’m happy to say my husband does none of these things.

A cat left on its own can fend for itself, but a man cannot.
Then why do I have to put them into boarding every time we go on holiday?

A cat rarely misses the litter tray, which cannot be said for a man and a toilet seat.
I’m glad to say my husband delivers bodily waste into the part of the toilet where it is meant to go. The same definitely cannot be said for my cats, which scatter litter liberally around the bathroom and occasionally deposit faeces on the floor to explain to us that the tray is too dirty.

A cat provides unconditional love.
Yeah. As long as you continue to feed it.

When you are sick, a cat barely leaves your side, a man will only be there if he has to be.
Yeah, that bastard. Continuing to go to work every day to pay for food and medical bills while the cats laze around the house.

Cats aren’t obsessed with losing their hair.
Yeah they kind of are. They’re obsessed with putting it on every article of clothing I have.

It is expected that a cat sleeps all day, but a man that lays in bed all day is lazy and annoying and not at all cute.
Whoever wrote this needs to get cuter men.

After a hard day at work, a cat greeting you at the door makes you instantly forget the bad day. A man waiting at the door is wanting his dinner cooked.
True, the cat doesn’t want it cooked, it only wants it defrosted or possibly extracted from the tin.

You never have to question a cat’s loyalty.
Every month or so, our cats will change their minds about which one of us is their favourite and pretty much ignore the other person.

A cat doesn’t require constant attention.
What the hell kind of cats do you have? I’ve got one demanding attention from me RIGHT NOW, as I write this.

A cat matures when it grows older, a man reverts to childhood.
Cats don’t mature when they get older, they still knead you when you rub them to try to stimulate your milk-producing glands because they think you’re their mum.

A cat doesn’t channel surf when you are trying to watch your favourite TV show.
It does if it sits on the remote control. It’s happened.

There is no tug of war with blankets and doonas when you sleep with your cat.
Every night my cats park themselves between me and my husband so that it pulls the left side of the doona off me and I get slightly cold. Then in the morning, sometimes April will attack my toes so that I’ll move them and she can make a little space for herself under the doona for a morning kip.

Cats don’t care and don’t comment if you put on a couple of kilos.
No, they just sit on your big belly and make themselves comfortable there because there’s so much extra space.

You don’t have to pretend to like your cat’s mother. Nor do you have to regularly visit her.
No, but you do have to be your cat’s mother occasionally, what with the kneading and the grooming and the constant attention.

A cat knows that you are the centre of her happiness. A man thinks he is the key to your happiness.
Yeah sometimes your’e the centre of the cat’s happiness. And then next month it’s your husband and your’e bumped down to owner #2.

A cat’s brain controls their actions, a different organ controls a man’s actions.
Yet see what the cat does when it sees anything moving. Pow!

You only have to lightly pet your cat to satisfy him/her.
Really? If I lightly pet my cats they look at me like, what, that’s it? A solid 10 minutes of ear rubs, back rubs and tummy rubs is required before my cats are satisfied.

Cats don’t show love without meaning it.
Unless they want food.

Cats have no problem in expressing affection in public.
Or licking their groins in public.

Cats only expect food, water and a clean litter box. Men expect- the list is far too long!
And rubs, and constant attention, and games, and sometimes a different kind of food if they’re feeling fussy. Raphy has a thing going where he MUST have tummy rubs for at least 10 minutes between 10pm and 11.30pm every night.

When a cat is a little off colour, they simply rest and sleep and prefer to be alone. A man in the same situation ensures that you suffer along with him and tries to convince you that he is dying.
Man lady, you’ve dated some head cases.

Cats can be neutered if they stray. If only that also applied to men.
Yeah, and if only cheating women could have forced hysterectomies. You’re sick, lady.

A cat wears a collar and tag and is microchipped to indicate they belong to a loving family. A man can be single or married and wear nothing to indicate that this is the case. Maybe men should be tattooed with their marital status.
Errr, what about a wedding ring? Also, the reason is because you can ask the man “are you married” and the man can indicate “yes” or “no” instead of just “meow”.

When you go out on a girl’s night out, a cat is simply happy when you arrive home safely. A man questions you as to who you were with, where did you go, who did you meet, did anyone buy you drinks etc
MEOW YOU WERE GONE FOR SO LONG WHERE IS MY FOOD????

Looking after a cat is so simple. Pour out some dry food, cut up some raw meat. keep fresh water in their bowl, regularly brush them, and spend some quality time playing with them. There is no ironing, no clothes washing, no picking clothes up off the floor, and no spending hours in the kitchen preparing a meal.
You forgot the damn litter tray. Also, it seems like you are a man-hating feminist, but then we get to the bottom here and you’re whining that when you’re with a man you have to do his ironing and prepare his meals. Why don’t you try putting out a box of cereal and putting some frozen meals in the freezer and tell the guy to do his own damn washing. Then hey, you don’t even have to brush him or pick his poo out of a litter tray every day.

I’ve been listening to / watching a lot of John Safran lately (man it feels good to use a forward slash…ahh forward slash how I’ve missed you…) and I guess you could call the guy something of a theological researcher. Yeah a crazy one whose research is largely in the name of comedy, but his stuff can be thought-provoking nonetheless.

Anyway it got me thinking about my own belief system, or lack thereof. Generally if people ask me about my beliefs I reply that I am Agnostic. There are a lot of people out there who interpret “Agnostic” to mean “on the fence” or indecisive about the whole God / no God thing. But technically it means a belief that one does not know, and cannot know, whether or not a deity can or does exist.

That always sounded a little smug to me. “Well there’s no evidence one way or the other so scientifically, it means that you can’t know such a thing, and therefore you’re wrong to say that God exists or doesn’t exist. Ha!” (I added the “ha” for extra smugness, I guess most Agnostics wouldn’t add the “ha” if they were trying to make a point in all fairness).

But I don’t think that’s true at all. Really all you’re saying is that there is not enough evidence to convince YOU that a God exists or does not exist. Science’s rules of whether something is correct or not is all determined by, well, scientists. It’s pretty much a belief system in itself - after all there was a time when Christian teachings were the accepted truth and new scientific theories such as a round Earth were mocked as ludicrous and contrary to all evidence. Now that we’ve accepted science as the truth, who’s to say something we’re mocking right now isn’t going to bite us in a few centuries and reveal itself to be what’s really going on?

So as for my beliefs, I’m what Wikipedia would describe as a “weak Agnostic” - I believe that I don’t know enough to know if there’s a God right now, but I’m open to the idea that evidence could present itself in the future that persuades me to believe otherwise. However I’m not about to label myself a “weak Agnostic”, that just sounds ridiculous - why not a “lame Agnostic” or a “half-arsed Agnostic” hey?

I had 7 years of Catholic schooling so I’m pretty familiar with the Bible (or at least the “Good News Bible” which is largely New Testament Jesus-y goodness). I’ve had a bit of exposure to some Eastern religions, and talked to some people from various types of Christianity. I’ve read things about past lives, auras, spirits and ghosts with some interest, and find some of the stories intriguing and plausible.

Anyway, most of the people I know who follow a religion either do so because they were brought up to believe it and just continue to do so, or out of a personal need for the faith and clarity that it can bring to one’s life. Neither of those really apply to me, so the mysteries of the universe remain unexplained. Great.

On the other hand, most Atheists I know have embraced Atheism either because they have had a bad encounter with major religions and want no part of it, or because they are basically embracing science and Atheism is a by-product of that. I’ve met just as many nice and sensible religious people as crazy and annoying ones, so that’s not enough to drive me to Atheism, and science makes sense up until a certain point and then science doesn’t really know anything either. So no great revelations there.

I guess my point is, if anyone’s got any powerful arguments to persuade me one way or the other, I’m happy to enter into a lengthy and tedious theological discussion. Convert away.

A few weeks ago two things happened - my workplace moved to Surry Hills, and I resigned from my job. So, that gave me a month’s notice to hang out in Surry Hills and I decided to make it my personal mission to try out all of the top rated cafes in the area.

Sydney’s a funny place. It doesn’t just evenly divide up different store types among all of its many suburbs. Instead it has an Italian suburb, a fabric suburb, a Chinese suburb, a fine dining suburb…you get the picture. Surry Hills seems to be the cafe suburb. This sounds marvellous until you realise that it’s seriously hard to find a decent cafe OUTSIDE of Surry Hills.

Anyway, rant over. Here are all the cafes I tried, and my ratings. I also rated some of them on Eatability.com.

Coffee, Tea or Me
Overall: 8/10
A nice place to come to on your own to sit and think for a while.
Coffee: 7/10
I had an iced coffee just with milk, no fancy stuff, and it was quite decent.
Food: 9/10
I had a roast chicken sandwich and it was delightful. Light and tasty, with fresh bread and butter. You know how sometimes you get a baguette and it’s as tough as old boots? Not this one - it was soft and fragrant.
Price: 8/10
Typical cafe prices. Sandwich was about $8, coffees were about $3. Pretty reasonable.
Ambience: 8/10
The place is quite small, but it’s cute and has a nice bench for sitting at and watching people walk past while you drink your coffee.
Service: 8/10
Very friendly staff, but the food took a while to arrive.

Single Origin Roaster
Overall: 8/10
A great place to have coffee with friends, but don’t bother with the food.
Coffee: 9/10
Full-bodied and interesting! I had a latte and didn’t have to add heaps of sugar to it like I usually have to with not so great coffee. Very nice.
Food: 5/10
The food was not bad, but it was horribly overpriced. I guess my sandwich cost the price of two sandwiches because it was the size of two sandwiches. But I can’t eat two sandwiches, so I’d prefer to pay half and get half.
Price: 3/10 Coffee was reasonably priced, but sandwiches cost about $15 each.
Ambience: 9/10 Funky, modern cafe, had a relaxed atmosphere.
Service: 9/10 Great service, very friendly staff.

Strawberry X Cafe
Overall: 7/10
Great service, nice place, alright food, lousy coffee.
Coffee: 3/10
Not the worst I’ve had, but pretty awful all the same.
Food: 7/10
The lunch was alright. I had a vegetable tart and Spiffeah had a lamb shank sandwich. The strawberry tart was delicious!
Price: 6/10
Typical cafe prices, a little on the dear side.
Ambience: 9/10
Nice large place. Quiet enough to hear people talk, even at lunchtime. Relaxing atmosphere.
Service: 10/10
Friendly staff who went the extra mile. I asked for a strawberry tart and they said they didn’t have any for sale, but then they went out back and found me one and served it on a big plate with chocolate sauce.

Cafe Omelette
Overall: 8/10
Great food if you like an all-day breakfast type of meal.
Delicious food if you like eggs.
Coffee: 6/10
Pretty average, but not bad. Also has some nice coffee alternatives.
Food: 10/10
I had the Bacon and Potato Hash with Poached Eggs and Wilted Spinach and it was delicious. Spiffeah had an omelette which he said was rather tasty. The other stuff on the menu looked appetising as well.
Price: 9/10
For what you got, it was pretty good value. About $12 a meal, with $3.50 coffees.
Ambience: 8/10
Nice little place, comfy squishy cube chairs, good background music. Kind of a busyish road location, but indoors is nice.
Service: 9/10
Friendly staff, pretty good service but no water was offered on arrival, which has been the norm at other cafes in the area.

Toast Cafe
Overall: 9/10
Good food, nice place.
Coffee: 7/10
Not bad, I only had the iced coffee though.
Food: 10/10
I was quite satisfied with my Free Range Chicken and Corn Soup. It came in a huge bowl, piping hot, with a slice of sourdough toast. Delicious and nourishing.  Water was served upon entry, and a dish of pink salt flakes was served with the meal. I also tried the chocolate and macadamia brownie which was very rich and delicious.
Price: 8/10
Typical cafe prices I guess. The soup was about $12 but it was pretty huge.
Ambience: 8/10
It’s a pleasant cafe, with comfortable places to sit. The decor is nice, it has a bizarre lighting structure made from a birdcage and some sticks and things hanging from the ceiling, which is nice in its own way. It’s a bit noisy though, due to the open kitchen. I was sitting quite close to the kitchen though so there are probably quieter spots.
Service: 8/10
Couldn’t really fault the service, but they weren’t as joyfully friendly as other cafes in the area. Food and drink was delivered fairly quickly.

Coffee Cup on Crown
Overall: 8.5/10
Nice place, kind of hard to get to by public transport.
Coffee: 9/10
I had a latte and it was very smooth.
Food: 9/10
I ordered a club sandwich. It looked like what Parliament House would look like if it was made from a sandwich and chips. It was huge, but they let me take half of it away as leftovers. I also got a something and banana smoothie to take away. I can’t remember what the “something” was because it just tasted like banana. It was really good though.
Price: 8/10
Typical cafe prices
Ambience: 9/10
It’s a small and inconspicuous place but quite relaxing and with interesting decor. There is an upstairs area which I didn’t get to see, but it looked intriguing.
Service: 9/10
Couldn’t complain, they were nice people.

“Oh, please don’t step on me just yet!”

The short: I like this game, it’s simple exercise for people who can’t be arsed joining a gym, like me.

The long:

A bitter taste of reality

You start out choosing your avatar. For those who have not experienced a Wii, this is called a “Mii”. Now, my Mii started out looking pretty average. Then the Wii Fit game gave me a “Body Test” and now my Mii is looking pretty pudgy. Then it told me my “Wii Fit” age was 33. Thanks, Wii Fit. Okay, fair call, I’m really unfit and fairly overweight. It’s a machine, I guess it doesn’t have to sugar-coat it.

The games

The games are divided into Yoga, Muscle, Aerobic and Balance exercises. You have to keep playing to unlock all the games, but by the time you’ve tried out all the initial games you’ll have unlocked the rest of them anyway.

The yoga and muscle exercises are pretty bland - just an exercise trainer telling you to do exercisey stuff. The Wii Fit board is pretty good at giving you feedback though, so it’s not too bad. I’ve noticed an increase in my muscle tone since doing the muscle exercises 3 times a week, so it’s worth doing.

The aerobic exercises aren’t exactly hardcore - there’s hula hoop, step games, running and boxing. Hula hoop and step games are pretty fun and you get a fair workout doing hula hoop. Running’s a bit crap, reminds me of that “Heroin Hero” game from that Southpark episode - you keep chasing that dog but you never catch it. Boxing’s okay but I can’t seem to get the hang of it, possibly because I hit like a girl and the game doesn’t want to acknowledge such poor fighting ability.

There’s also a really weird “zen” game you can unlock, where you just sit on the floor for 10 minutes at a time. Seriously, that’s all you do. Meanwhile, there’s a candle in a dark room and the game’s making creepy floorboard-creaking sounds, and occasionally a moth flies around and incinerates itself in the candle. I have no idea how this is aerobic exercise, it freaks me out with the creepy sounds and the suicidal moths.

The balance games are *freaking hard* man. According to Wii Fit, if you get better balance it’ll improve your metabolism so you’ll lose weight. I have no idea if this is true or not, but my cynical side suspects that they may have just added this section to make the game more fun. Well, whatever, they are pretty fun. My favourites are the one where you’re a penguin trying to eat lots of fish, and the one where you are in a bubble trying to float down a river. There are also some skiing games, a soccer game, and some other crap I don’t care about because I’m too busy being a penguin.

The results

You can do a “body test” once per day, where you get weighed and get your balance skills checked. My weight loss graph was going steadily down until I got a new job and decided to have a week-long celebration of pizza and booze, now I’m kind of back where I started. But that’s okay because I EARNED that kilo.

Some interesting things I’ve noticed since starting Wii Fit:

• I do better on the balance games after coming back from dance class
• If I gain weight, the game asks me to pick a reason. As Dewi pointed out, they really need an “all of the above” option, but sadly this is not present
• Playing hula hoop games and boxing gives me a solid workout and I usually don’t notice I’m sweating until the end of it
• If a cat walks on the Wii Fit board while you are playing a game, it screws up your score

Some features I’d like to see:

• Ability to speed up the stepping games
• Ability to share game scores with friends who also have Wii Fit over the internet, so we can try to beat each others’ scores
• More aerobic games!

Heads up guys, I’ve uploaded some more pics of my jewellery (my photography skills sadly have not improved) and some pics of my cats playing with some yarn. Well okay we bought some yarn and wrapped it around the cats and laughed and took pictures while they tried to get it off themselves. But they’re really cute pictures.

Check it out at my flickr site: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hogfish/

Trisherino says:
i played some zelda, it’s pretty good so far
Trisherino says:
link is a mute as usual
Trisherino says:
at least he has pants this time
Dewi says:
guys always forget that
Dewi says:
when you’re going out to rescue your bitch, pants just don’t seem that important… to YOU
Dewi says:
to the bitch in question, it matters quite a bit about whether your hero bursts in wearing pants or not
Dewi says:
but it’s the way of the world, trish, that men and women just can’t sort these things out

Dear K-Rudd,

What would I say if I told you that I’ve come up with a way for you to stimulate the economy without costing you a cent? You’d just have to pass one law, and the nation would start spending like crazy. What’s the idea, you ask? Well, the answer is:

Legalize gay marriage.

Think about it: marriage = weddings. Weddings = big spending. Big spending = healthy economy (or so I’ve heard). Once gay marriage is legalized, thousands of gay couples will start booking venues for weddings and spending big on wedding stuff. All the good venues will fill up quickly and some couples will have to wait a year or two to hold their wedding, which will keep the spending going during that time. And it’s not just the couples themselves that spend money on a wedding - there’s the bridal party, the family and all the guests who have to buy gifts for the happy couple.

Then there is also the expensive proposal, the engagement party, the bridal shower, the hen’s night, the buck’s night…plus probably lots more depending on the couple’s cultural background.

The following industries will reap the rewards:

• Restaurants and reception venues
• Florists
• Cake makers
• Jewellers
• Fashion
• Footwear
• Lingerie
• Home appliances
• Kitchenware
• Liquor
• Live music and DJs
• Photography and videography
• Stationery and printing
• Celebrants and churches
• Car rentals
• Housing
• Novelty items
• Exotic entertainment
• Beauty

…and much much more!

Sincerely,

Trisherino of hogfish.net

I’ve got a new hobby - making jewellery out of beads and wire and bits of metal and whatever I find lying around. I’ve uploaded some photos of necklaces I made here. I’m not exactly what you would call a professional photographer, so the photos are not that crash hot. However, I wear the jewellery all the time in the hope of getting unprovoked compliments so I can swoop in with “I made it myself!” and look of surprise and congratulations all around etc….what was I saying….ah yeah so if you see me around the place you might spot me wearing one and I can guarantee they’ll look 100 times better than my crappy photos. Or at least twice as good. Probably.

Got this in my inbox today. Okay, that is cool:

Check it out, they spelled my name out in food!  That’s so awesome.

Speaking of Gordy, I wasn’t all that impressed by Ramsay at last year’s show, due to the complete lack of swearing (probably because there were kiddies around). If he’s not swearing, what’s the point? That’s his whole thing, right? His food looked pretty good, but let’s face it, we were all really there just to hear him go apeshit at some poor blighter. And folks, he did not deliver.

But eh, I’ll probably go see him anyway, since I don’t really know much about the other chefs, and his cracks at Jamie Oliver were kind of funny.